Rock-a-Bye...Maybe.

I think I have mild insomnia.

And I say mild because it’s not that I can’t sleep, it’s that it takes me a long time to fall asleep. But soon after 3 a.m. (usually after a “Fitness Made Simple with John Basedow” infomercial) my waning mind finally gives in, and my night’s rest is horrible.

The last time I slept well was a 12 minute nap that I was able to take after a math lesson years ago. I finally woke up, folded up my blue mat, walked over to my building blocks and thought, “man, I could stay in kindergarten forever.”

Ever since then, it’s been downhill. The mattress is too springy. Why has all my saliva evaporated? Why is there a hair in my mouth? Ill, this isn’t human hair.

If you were to think of people you know, I’d bet at least two of them are picky eaters. (If you can think of only one, then the other one is you. Sorry.) But it’s wierd, isn’t it?
“Here, you want one,” as I hold out a Nacho-Cheese Dorito.
“No thanks, I don’t really like chips.”

Who doesn't want to experience crispy, cheesy, corn chip delight? It’s like learning about Isosceles triangles all over again, but doing it with orange lips.

Well, I’m a picky sleeper. I make my bed at least twice a day. Some may say I’m obsessive because I believe the top sheet and blanket HAVE TO BE TOGETHER AT ALL TIMES.

***Does the capitalization work there? Do you feel the fervor? I would’ve gone with the exclamation point but I think they‘re over used. I recently got an email where someone wrote, “It must be great to be finished with school - the real world can be rough!!” Now, why does she sound excited? “Ha Ha! For months you’re gonna struggle and only eat cereal for dinner!!”***

They have to be connected. They have to be in-sync. They have to be one. The corner of the sheet can’t be in place, while the corner of the blanket is off doing its own thing. How can people sleep like that? I can understand if you were a penguin and you didn’t have opposable thumbs, or any fingers for that matter. Then maybe - maybe there’s a reason for the two not to be together at all times.

So if you’re confused as to whether you are capable of utilizing the Sheet-Blanket combination, here are the guidelines:

1) One must believe that the Sheet and Blanket be harmonious in their relationship. That the combination divided against itself cannot be comfortable.

2) One must have at least 3 fingers for every two hands*
*If, in the rare case, you have oven mitts without thumb openings permanently attached to your wrists, then you may qualify for an assistance program...and it must really suck tying your sneakers.

3) One must have sheets and blankets.

Another part about sleep that I have trouble with is the H.P.E. Also known as the Hot Pillow Effect. I hate sleeping, waking up, and feeling as if I laid my head to rest on a hot plate. Recently, South Korean and American researchers successfully cloned a human embryo. On ShopNBC, Bose has developed audio technology so advanced, traditional speaker equipment will soon become obsolete. All that and I’m still forced to flip my pillow a dozen times a night so sweat doesn’t spew from my face.

Why hasn’t anybody capitalized on this void in the pillow industry? If I were the CEO of a pillow company I’d be worried that some washed up celebrity is going to take advantage of that void and monopolize on it for the next decade.

Think about it. Imagine how enraged kitchen appliance makers were when a washed up athlete appeared on TV with the ultimate product. A counter top grill - but one that’s slanted for less grease! Genius. Not only did all these companies get beat to the market, but they got beat to the market by George Foreman. A guy that has been pounded in the head thousands of time by angry, 300 lb. men. A guy that has taken beatings so bad that he had to name all 5 sons George so he wouldn’t forget.

Can’t you imagine overweight, former CEOs all over, who were doing fine until Georgey-boy came along. Now they’re in a basement somewhere, sweaty, tinkering with old, taken apart kitchen appliances.

So I’m counting on Martha Stewart or Ty Pennington to come up with an Anti-H.P.E. pillow. I would add NASA but they’re too busy taking over the foam mattress industry.

But anybody. Anybody! Please!! Come up with something.

I can’t watch anymore ProActive informercials! I can’t look at Daisy Fuentes doing Pilates anymore! Did you hear what I just said?!? And if I see John Basedow's man-boobs

one

more

time,

I'M GOING TO LOSE IT!!

And don’t you dare say anything about all the exclamation points, I haven’t had a good sleep in years!!!