I Am Man

I call my girlfriend, Kristin, a gorilla. It’s a little mean, I know, but she’s abnormally strong and agile for a woman who’s 5’5 and eats nothing but cereal all day. Once we were walking in the park and she got so mad at something I said, she literally picked up a boulder and hurled it about a hundred yards. I’m not lying.

But when it comes to bugs, or “Creepy Crawlies,” as she calls them, it’s a totally different story.

We recently moved into a new apartment in a Carriage House, which means it’s over a garage and we have no neighbors. The place itself is nice - decent layout, large kitchen, and a bunch of other nice stuff. Almost a month prior to moving in, we came across the ad. It said “Luxury Apartments,” and we agreed.

The best part is having no neighbors who live above us. Before this place I lived in a basement apartment, and a group of girls lived above me. They appeared to be nice girls but I didn’t know too much about them. What I did know was that they enjoyed bowling and roller skating in their kitchen. So any place without a FunPlex overhead seemed great.

That was until Kris saw a bug hanging from the living room ceiling. Screaming “CENTIPEDE” as loud as possible – all while a foot away from me – she demanded I do something. I felt like Denzel Washington in “John Q,” when his wife ordered him to do something about their son not having a working heart. He got a gun and held an emergency room hostage, and given the way Kristin was looking at me, I would’ve shot the bug if I had one.

“Kill It!”
“What for? It’s just a stupid bug.”
“Andrew, I will take this knife and cut you.”

So I had no choice, and besides, it was our first bug together. I had to kill it. But I’m not gonna lie – I was scared. First of all, that thing had about 27 hundred legs and antennas that were slowly moving all over the place. Plus it was camouflaged with white stripes covering its tan body. I have absolutely never seen anything like it in my life. It was freaky looking. And second, what if I missed? Would he hide for two months then lay eggs in my eyeballs as I slept?

So I get a chair, a shoe, and prepare for the kill. All the while, it’s just hanging upside down having no idea it’s about to meet my size 12 Nike. Suddenly my nerves began to get to me and I think, “Man, if this thing falls anywhere near me I will, without a doubt, scream like an eleven year old girl.” Consequently my life and my manhood were riding on this one bug.

After two minutes of planning the trajectory of my strike, I went for it.

But I missed by about two feet and the wind from the shoe hitting the ceiling blew the Centipede off…and onto the floor. That’s when Kristin did a back flip and landed four feet away on the arm of the couch. It was like the scene from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon when the lady walked on bamboo.

Now she was screaming as it crawled behind the radiator. I looked for it, but to no avail. So she’s yelling louder even though she’s 10 feet away…and that wasn’t helping any. Imagine trying to do a Where’s Waldo puzzle but Waldo keeps moving because he has a million legs, and there’s a really loud lady yelling in your ear. Well, it was something like that.

Thinking of nothing else, I got some Windex and sprayed the entire bottle on the radiator hoping to kill it. And don’t you think that was some arbitrary decision, because it wasn’t. I’ve killed many insects with the blue stuff.

Anyway, I don’t think that worked because over the next week we saw about ten of those things. After Kristin vowed to never again set foot off the couch, and I had black eyes after sleeping with goggles every night, we decided it was time to do some research. They're called House Centipedes (or Millioneous Leggus ), but I call them Freaky Little Bugs With a Bunch of Legs That Run Really Fast.

Researching also led to a couple disturbing discoveries. For one, they like moisture and that’s why we kept finding them in the tub and in the kitchen sink. Yeah, it’s not fun being naked in the shower, thinking something’s wiggling their 10-inch long antennas near you.

Two, they eat spiders. As in kill them. Call me crazy, but I thought spiders were at the top of the bug food chain. The eight-legged guardians of the home. When did this change of the guard happen? Animal Planet should really consider doing a show about this hostile takeover. But finding that out was the equivalent of moving to Africa then learning something’s been killing lions…and they live in your tent.

It wasn't comforting – especially not to Kristin.

And just in case you didn’t notice, I’m deathly terrified of Centipedes too. So, yes, that means Kris isn’t the only wuss in the house. She’s just the only wuss who can climb the Empire State Building to escape.

Was That Jones or Jetson?

We’re constantly bombarded with ads touting our 21st century culture. Paper-thin cell phones you can watch television on. Windshield wipers that activate when they sense rain. Even laptops you can use while taking a shower.

Actually, I’m in the shower now. That’s right. And I’m not ashamed to say I use one of those Poofy things.

But with our technological advancements, you’d expect communication to be more efficient and less time consuming. And if you’ve ever left or received a voicemail message then you know what I mean.

“Hi, this is Tom. I can’t take your call but leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” After the tone, please leave your voice message. After you finish recording, you can hang up, or press pound for more options.

Really?!? After the tone, I can speak…and I can hang up when I’m done? That’s insane! I didn’t know that. Did you know that? Man, I can’t even fathom what the pound button does…

I may not seem grateful now, but I couldn’t imagine living without a cell phone. How did people do it? I make at least three pointless “Ahh whatcha doing?” phone calls everyday. And I’ve had entire arguments with my girlfriend via text message.

Texting is the new “it” way to talk to someone anytime you want and before that, it was Instant Messenger. I used to be on it all the time but the phenomenon has become too big for me. I have about a million friends on my buddy-list…and half of them have about three screen names. And they have cheesy away messages like “finding my inner superstar - be back from class @ 2.” People don’t even type whole words on it. Everything has to be quick and to-the-point. Who has the time to write “Laugh out loud” when “LOL” can be used instead? Add that to “TTYL” and “BRB” and every other word is an acronym.

My father, however, must’ve totally missed that bus. I mean missed it like, he had no idea that bus existed. I’m going to take you back 5 years when I was sitting in my college dorm chatting with my brother back home:

***Quick note: My entire family is black. My brother, however, thought he was Spanish for some reason. It was really weird. He watched a lot of Telemundo and Univison. Anyway, back to the chat.***

DrewHil: Hey, I haven’t talked to Daddy in a long time.. You should put him on but I don’t think he’s done this before.

SenorPapiChulo: No, I don’t think he has but I’ll get him. I’m about to put some beans on the stove anyway. --- Here he is.

DrewHil: Hi Daddy. What’s going on down in the City?

(6 and a half minutes later)

SenorPapiChulo: Andy? Can you hear me on this thing? Over.

DrewHil: Lol. Daddy, you’re not in the Korean War anymore. And this isn’t a walkie talkie. You don’t have to say “over.”

(3 minutes later)

SenorPapiChulo: Andy? You there? Over.

DrewHil: LOL

(Another 3 minutes)

SenorPapiChulo: Well hi, Lol. Can you tell Andy to call me later? Out.


My father’s still upset he’s never met my friend with the weird name.

I watch TV today and I’m not shocked we don’t understand one another. How could I be? Turn on any channel and you’re bound to hear some cliché that makes no sense but one that, as a society, we can’t let go.

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” What does that mean? Who the hell crumbles cookies? See, it would make sense if it were a cracker or something - at least that goes in soup. Here’s another one, “What goes around, comes around.” Well, I've done about ten mean things to people in the past week, and everyone's been just peachy to me. And being the only black kid in the history of Harlem to own a boomerang, I know for a fact that isn't true. I hear a stupid saying at least once a day and, frankly, I can’t believe Dateline hasn’t done a special on this yet.

But that’s what makes our society great. We hold onto the past, while embracing the future. We take hold of the dog by the tail and wag it…Or something like that. The cat’s out of the bag, my fellow Americans. This thing we call technology is upon us.

Now, if you’d excuse me, it's my anniversary and I have some texting to do.

Out.